Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Monday, March 21, 2011

Mom's Brownie Recipe

 Remember these days - or maybe you are still in this era of your life!  God Bless You! I had a very precocious little boy who loved to explore and get into things when he was a toddler.  Oh ... to have those days back!!   Cherish every one of them.  I don't think my Jeff was ever as bad as "Billy" in the recipe below but I thought it was funny!  Enjoy!

Mom’s Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven.
Preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat’s tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.  Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s still time and he’s still able to run away.

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away—far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn’t know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.

-Author Unknown

Friday, December 10, 2010

How to Achieve Inner Peace

Dr Phil proclaimed recently on his show, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." 

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,  a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of rum .

You have no idea how good I feel right now!!

Seriously ... I did finish up some Christmas cards that were on my desk in bits and pieces and I do feel good about that.  Hope you feel good about them too!

 This is a stamp that I have had 6-7 years and probably only used it once or twice.  I bought it when we still lived in Washington - before I became a Stampin' Up demonstrator.  I decided to blow off the dust and use it tonight.  Also - how long has it been since you used your deckle scissors????  I can't believe I could still find mine, but they look ok on this card I think.  You can't tell from the picture but I stamped the image twice - once in Garden Green ink and a second time in black ink.  I cut out the trees and snowman (black ink) and glued them on the larger green stamped piece.

 These cards are left over bits I found from a class I taught at Stampers Alley last year.  It was a One Sheet Wonder class but I didn't have the bits of paper from the One Sheet Wonder so I found these scraps of DSP on my cutting table and used them instead.

 More cards left over from the One Sheet Wonder class.  I cut these vintage pieces out of some DSP that I found in my closet.  Use up your scraps and see what you can create!

Another from the One Sheet Wonder bunch.  Those are some bright green trees, don't you think?
So I hope these give you some inspiration to look around at what you have sitting in your scrap pile or even on your desk that you can put to good use on a card and bring yourself "inner peace."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Crafters Twas the Night Before Christmas

*Twas the night before Christmas, I’m glued to the tree.

I’m wondering what Santa brought just for me.

Could it be cardstock or inkpads or lace?

Or some stamps, I said, with a smile on my face.

And that’s when I heard him……

“Hi Santa, ” I said

He replied, “You know….good girls should be in their beds”.

“I know I should Santa,and now I’ve been caught.

But I was just so excited to see what you brought.”

“Well, let’s take a look in this room where you work”.

He shook his head quickly, and left with a jerk.

I heard him exclaim as he put it in gear.

“You’ve got enough crap,

I’ll see you next year!”*