Gym Terms

•  “I'm getting pumped up” - I'm standing in front of the mirror and flexing because I'm enamored with the way I look
• Getting ripped - eating miniature meals in an attempt to remove all of the healthy fat from my body
• Supplements - products with all of the calories and nutrients contained in food but which have no resemblance in taste, texture, or appearance to food
• 'roids - illegal drugs taken by people who don't mind the inconvenience of having to walk through a door sideways
• Aerobics - masochism with an instructor
• Stairmaster - masochism without an instructor
• Reps - the number of times you torture yourself by lifting a heavy weight off your chest
• Free weights are better than machines - I'm too stupid to figure out how to work the machines
• Machines are better than free weights - I dropped a dumbbell on my foot one too many times
• Bench press - a strength training exercise in which you lie on a bench and try to prevent a weight-laden bar from plummeting down to crush your chest
• Treadmill - a device which allows you to walk or run, much like can be done outdoors, but this way you get to pay $25 a month and a large up front fee for the privilege of doing it indoors